© 2012 TSM
We have been experiencing a drought in New England since the first of the year. The normal Spring rains which enable the flowering of bulbs and perennials have been absent. Then last week the weather forecasters were a buzz about the storms moving up the eastern seaboard laden with much needed water. As the front got closer, things shifted to warnings about flooding and washouts. And of course I began to think about the constant emotional peaks and valleys I experienced when I was struggling with ME/CFS.
As with all emotions that we actively fight to contain, they are held at bay by intentional shoring up with periods of overspills which always seem to be triggered unexpectedly. The cruelty of ME/CFS only served to amplify the intensity of these highs and lows. My first year was full of frustration with the medical community that labeled me as a head case. With few exceptions I was looked upon as ‘mentally weak’ and in need of therapy. After a period of permitting that negativity to cling to me, I finally rejected it. But I was still left with a pattern of extremes where sometimes the skies would dump a deluge of emotions and I would struggle to tread water. After climbing out of that, I would experience a period of emotional drought when I could stay focused on the protocol and the slow but observable progress toward getting well again.
This Focus helped me to eventually steer away from emotional lows. How do you manage this aspect of the cruelty of ME/CFS? How do you shore yourself up? Please COMMENT or Send in your thoughts and I’ll post them. You can use the Contact Form or send an email to Martha at DefeatCFS dot net.
Look for a weekly posting on Tuesdays. And consider being part of the conversation.
Be Well Again,
Martha
© 2012 TSM
OK, if you haven’t already guessed, I’m an optimist. And yes, our type can get on peoples nerves when we’re too upbeat. Not to say that optimists don’t have their down times. I’ve had many. Some of those darkest times for me were when I was bedridden with ME/CFS. A disease as cruel as ME/CFS plays games with your mind, your psyche and your emotions. The worst of it for me was that I became someone whom I didn’t recognize. It began to erode my sense of self and my self esteem as well as my physical health.
What I took away from that dark place was the knowledge that this sick ME/CFS person was not the full definition of who I was and who I intended to be again. It became a tool – a negative model of what I rejected. I used it as a springboard from which to move upward again. It renewed my commitment to regain my health – one small step at a time. And each step was a little further away from those lowest points.
Did I do this after my first serious depression? Of course not! Type A personalities are quite certain of their methods and need to be clubbed a bit before they admit to being wrong. But after a few low episodes, the optimist blessedly took control and I finally began the slow yet steady ascent back to health.
How to you handle lows? Can you call on your optimist to move you upward again? Please COMMENT or Send in your thoughts and I’ll post them. You can use the Contact Form or send an email to Martha at DefeatCFS dot net.
Look for a weekly posting on Tuesdays. And consider being part of the conversation.
Be Well Again,
Martha
© 2012 TSM
I’ve recently had a series of emotionally challenging events in my life. It’s resulted in hesitancy about what’s coming next – an apprehension about the future which I know will at some point entail more of the same kind of challenges. And of course it renewed the feelings that used to affect me when I was struggling with ME/CFS.
I had tried mightily to not let feelings of anxiety or fear of more bad days get to me. My cognitive brain accepted that I would have to deal with them as I slowly recovered but my emotions and psyche were uneasy – waiting for the signs and body pain that would be the harbinger of a bad day. Sometimes I would allow this anxiety to effect my day even if it was by comparison a reasonable day. It took a great deal of intentional focus to see the positive side of how I was physically feeling. And to ignore the anxious voice inside of me.
The strategy that finally worked for me was planning ahead. During the time I was bedridden, I would plan by the hour. What should I be doing during the next few hours to achieve a good outcome? As I got healthier, I planned by the day. What should my day look like in order to stick to the protocol and have a successful day? Eventually, I was looking at a week and planning a well paced reasonable series of days that generated a positive result. It seems simple but it worked.
How do you let go of the apprehension? What are your strategies? Please COMMENT or Send in your thoughts and I’ll post them. You can use the Contact Form or send an email to Martha at DefeatCFS dot net.
Look for a weekly posting on Tuesdays. And consider being part of the conversation.
Be Well Again,
Martha
© 2012 TSM
When I was at my lowest point suffering with ME/CFS, it seemed like I had only one identity – a bedridden sick person. As I slowly began to regain some functioning, I would have brief periods of experiencing a different identity – a normal healthy person. This happened when I had a conversation about something I was passionate about and I could keep focused for ten minutes or maybe even half an hour. During that time, I forgot about ME/CFS. I stepped out of that label and, for a while, became free of it. Then, of course, it would end and I would ‘remember’ my situation.
As I grew healthier, I got to the point where half the time, I could actually participate in some normal healthy person activities and relish for a while in forgetting about ME/CFS and its cruelty. But it would end and I would have to ‘remember’ again. Straddling both worlds of sick and healthy was not only a physical challenge in terms of pacing, pacing and more pacing. It was a mental marathon ‘double life’ of moving back and forth between these two identities. Of learning to appreciate and revel in the times of acting and feeling like a healthy person and then handling the let down of remembering the reality of my situation. I worked hard at not letting the upside create an even lower downside. I kept my eyes focused on shifting the percentages – slowly and steadily – to more and more normal health person and less and less sick person.
How do you handle the Double Life of sick and healthy? What are your strategies? Please COMMENT or Send in your thoughts and I’ll post them. You can use the Contact Form or send an email to Martha at DefeatCFS dot net.
Look for a weekly posting on Tuesdays. And consider being part of the conversation.
Be Well Again,
Martha
© 2012 TSM
It happens to me every year as the end of February approaches. Although I don’t see the signs of change in myself yet, one of my window plants catches my notice. There’s a new vibrancy in its color or maybe even a tiny sprout where a dead leaf has been dropped. Something triggers my attentiveness and before I’ve cognitively made the connection, I’m trimming, repotting and fertilizing all my plants.
What my plants have all been responding to, and what I’m also caught up in, are the longer days with brighter light streaming in my windows. And I think back to my ME/CFS days and remember how hard it was day after day, week after week and month after month to keep my spirits up. To remember my resolve to keep to the protocol, to allow myself the space to heal, and most importantly to cut myself the mental slack I needed. The only time I didn’t need to be intentional about being upbeat was when the light began to get noticeably brighter at this time of year. There’s a reaction to the increasing daylight that we experience on a cellular level. I’m sure there are reams of scientific studies that have investigated this response but I don’t need to read them. My sense of renewal and optimism are palpable. And during my ME/CFS struggle, it was a natural to see this NOT as the marking of another year of this cruel illness, but as the beginning of the year when my progress would get me to the next health plateau – the next stage of recovery.
I’m hoping that you are able to harness this brighter light and natural source of anticipation to carry you successfully along your path back to wellness. How are you utilizing this bright injection of renewed energy? Please COMMENT or Send in your thoughts and I’ll post them. You can use the Contact Form or send an email to Martha at DefeatCFS dot net.
Look for a weekly posting on Tuesdays. And consider being part of the conversation.
Be Well Again,
Martha
© 2011 TSM
Thanksgiving traditionally generates clichés about thankfulness. The mantra basically goes like this: Be thankful for what you DO have, not what is missing. Most of us would agree with this outlook. It is better to focus on the positive. But it isn’t easy to do especially when you’ve been struggling with ME/CFS for a year or for 20 years.
When I was sick, I would allow myself to indulge in some self pity around this time of year but I knew that was totally unproductive and a waste of what little energy I had. I would then get irritated with myself for my self-centered attitude and so just added more negativity to my load. But it can be unfair to expect a person who is struggling with a body that can’t handle normal activity to be upbeat, positive and ultimately thankful.
So as the rest of the world around me went about their daily routines, I would look at my life and try to find something to be thankful for. Mostly, I focused on the few people around me who understood what I was going through and supported me in large and small ways. I made a point to tell them how much I appreciated what they did.
And after I let go of the negativity toward myself, I realized that I needed to appreciate the work I did all year long. The work of getting well again. Sticking to the snails pace recovery, following the protocol when I didn’t want to and being present in my life in whatever way I could realistically handle.
How are you handling thankfulness? Are you finding things to be thankful for? Please COMMENT or Send in your thoughts and I’ll post them. You can use the Contact Form or send an email to Martha at DefeatCFS dot net.
Look for a weekly posting on Tuesdays. And consider being part of the conversation.
Be Well Again,
Martha
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