Through the process of this illness, I have become more self protective. I think it is telling that the statistics say that generally women are five times more likely to have CFS than men. I was raised in a codependent family, where my mother’s needs were somehow always more pressing than my need to be a child, and for her to take care of my needs. She was a good mother in terms of fixing meals, a tidy home and making sure I was well clothed and protected from the weather, which in Idaho is highly variable.
It was on the emotional side where I learned to displace my own needs, and due to some shaming I received as a small boy, I decided early on that I could not trust my mother with my feelings. So I kept them to myself. My father and mother’s relationship was dysfunctional and they ceased being intimate so there was little warmth there. I learned early on to attempt to please others, to avoid conflict, and to ask how they were and became a caretaker in many ways.
Living in that way is stressful, and as the author of Codependent No More writes, we are the kind of people who are people pleasers. But inwardly we are angry and resentful that our own needs are not being met nor are they being listened to, and doing things for others we would rather not do.
Women often are portrayed as being caregivers in the home and in their relationships, and this behavior happens with men too. A key reason I became ill when I did was in giving in to demands of two people on two consecutive days, things I did not want to do but did to attempt to please the other person. They were dramatic things that I prefer not to talk about. And the year or so leading up to that, when I likely had an immune system compromised, was what led to my becoming quite ill, with something like the flu.
Like you Martha, that ‘flu’ and its debilitating effects did not go away completely and led to the illness which I now have. The good news is that in recent months, I have decided that I don’t need to make myself unhappy because I have an illness, that I have a right to enjoy my life, as much as I am able. I watch less news now and read fewer depressing articles (as much of today’s news is hardly cheerful), and I am avoiding depressing or stress inducing TV shows and movies. I am finding my joy in my relationships with good friends online, really good lovely nice people. These ways are leading to less stress, and my body is thanking me for it with less pain and less anxiety. When feeling stressed, I will more readily now try to get rest, and alternate activity with rest.
******************************************************************
Thanks Tim!
Look for a weekly posting on Tuesdays. And consider being part of the conversation.
Be Well Again,
Martha
It was on the emotional side where I learned to displace my own needs, and due to some shaming I received as a small boy, I decided early on that I could not trust my mother with my feelings. So I kept them to myself. My father and mother’s relationship was dysfunctional and they ceased being intimate so there was little warmth there. I learned early on to attempt to please others, to avoid conflict, and to ask how they were and became a caretaker in many ways.
Living in that way is stressful, and as the author of Codependent No More writes, we are the kind of people who are people pleasers. But inwardly we are angry and resentful that our own needs are not being met nor are they being listened to, and doing things for others we would rather not do.
Women often are portrayed as being caregivers in the home and in their relationships, and this behavior happens with men too. A key reason I became ill when I did was in giving in to demands of two people on two consecutive days, things I did not want to do but did to attempt to please the other person. They were dramatic things that I prefer not to talk about. And the year or so leading up to that, when I likely had an immune system compromised, was what led to my becoming quite ill, with something like the flu.
Like you Martha, that ‘flu’ and its debilitating effects did not go away completely and led to the illness which I now have. The good news is that in recent months, I have decided that I don’t need to make myself unhappy because I have an illness, that I have a right to enjoy my life, as much as I am able. I watch less news now and read fewer depressing articles (as much of today’s news is hardly cheerful), and I am avoiding depressing or stress inducing TV shows and movies. I am finding my joy in my relationships with good friends online, really good lovely nice people. These ways are leading to less stress, and my body is thanking me for it with less pain and less anxiety. When feeling stressed, I will more readily now try to get rest, and alternate activity with rest.
******************************************************************
Thanks Tim!
Look for a weekly posting on Tuesdays. And consider being part of the conversation.
Be Well Again,
Martha
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