I am lucky enough to have the opportunity to Rest and Hope and Find A Way. CFS may be calling (forcing?) me to truly empty my life and myself. Not just cut-back or take time off, but truly purge who I am and the life I have lived. Take it all away and just sit with it. CFS is asking me to have patience, but not the kind of patience that it takes to wait a long long long time for a promise to be fulfilled, but the kind of patience that happens even under the knowledge that things may never change. I may never be physically well again. I might always be in pain. I have to sit with this, one day at a time, and try to connect with the Now.
My shrink reminded me one day that none of us have a guarantee beyond the present, that tomorrow is anyone’s guess, with or without illness. I resented her comment then for its simplicity and Hallmark Buddhism, still clinging to the notion that I need some sort of tool to plan ahead, some sort of path to envision for the future (like I want to know if I will be able to have a career, fall in love, travel, have a family, etc. ever). But I think that, for right now at least, I am just supposed to Rest. It is all I can do to keep up with my dog, my apartment, my family, my hygiene, my sanity. Do less, but with more attention. And maybe if my body begins to feel energetic again, or if some of the relentless pain yields, I can bring other things into my life. But, for now, it is enough just to Be. And to be grateful that I can simply rest. So...
I have given you a bad name. I have resented you and regarded you as a sign of weakness, defeat, doom, and punishment. When in fact, you are a vast and beautiful creature. Rest, you can be an experience as pure and as dense with life as summiting a mountain or making love. You are a gift and I am privileged to have you in my life. Going forward, I intend to embrace you and get to know you better. I will enjoy you, Rest, and leave my negative attitudes behind for the luxury of your mystery.
Yours Truly. Grace
Grace's Blog staysoft.wordpress.com
Thanks Grace! How do you embrace rest? Do you have any strategies that work? Please COMMENT or Send in your thoughts and I’ll post them. You can use the Contact Form or send an email to Martha at DefeatCFS dot net.
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Be Well Again,