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ME/CFS Self-Care – Knowing Our Limits

7/23/2019

7 Comments

 
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Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about self-care.  And it got me thinking about what we know about our limits and what we do for others knowing that we will exceed those limits.  Our wish to please the people we care about and to do for them somehow overrides all we’ve learned about self-care and especially everything we know about recovery from ME/CFS.

I was reminded of a book I first read in my twenties when I was babysitting - “The Giving Tree” by Shel Silverstein.  Maybe you’re familiar with it.  On first reading, I thought it was a lovely story about love and what a parent will give selflessly to a child.  At the time I saw it from the viewpoint of a child thinking about my mother and her love for me.  The next time I read the book, I was a parent myself and I was reading to my child.  My fond memory of the book was dashed as I turned each page and read how the main character, a tree, gave and gave and gave to ‘the boy’ until she was nothing but a lifeless stump.  And even then, she still gave by letting the now aged boy sit on her.

Healthy people often struggle with self-care choices.  As ME/CFS patients we make daily decisions about self-care – energy levels, rest needs, symptom management and recovery protocols.  And despite all we have learned, we somehow ‘decide’ to push ourselves too far for our loved ones.  Who are we fooling?  How do we keep within our limits?  How do we communicate honestly with our loved ones?  How do we show our love without suffering a set back?  Please COMMENT on this blog or Send in your thoughts and I’ll post them with your permission.  You can use the Contact Form or send an email to Martha at DefeatCFS dot net.  And Guest Blogs are most welcome!

Look for a weekly posting on Tuesdays.  And consider being part of the conversation.
Be Well Again,
Martha


7 Comments
Tim Boland
7/29/2019 10:39:41 pm

What you talk about Martha here with self care reminds me of what my marriage counselor told me and my wife of that time, that when we attempt to set boundaries with other people, often they try to draw us right back in. Some are clever about it, with manipulation. I’d have to say my mother was a master of that, if one tactic did not work, she would try another.

I received an email today from a tenant, he and his girlfriend have been problematic, to say the least. One year with them has felt more like five, thankfully they are planning on moving soon, but despite their terrible behavior, are asking me to extend their rental agreement by another few months, which would bring it right into the bad season for an owner to rent, from November through February. And this with the grass in the back yard several inches high.

Still, I felt that nudge of the people pleaser coming up, maybe I can help them out. And I may give them an additional month just to avoid an emotional scene. So I emailed back saying that I need a few days to think about it, which is rare behavior for me, as I tend to feel an obligation if someone wants an immediate answer, to give it. Is it ok to say ‘hooray for me’?

Reply
Martha
7/31/2019 01:15:14 am

Tim, like many of us, you are considerate of others, sometimes to a fault. And hooray for you that you gave yourself a few days to think about your own needs. For my two cents, why make accommodations for someone who has already been difficult and drained your energy? End the lease on time and hopefully get some easier tenants. Good luck!

Reply
Tim Boland
8/3/2019 02:34:36 pm

Thank you so much for your support and your suggestion, Martha. A new chapter in that saga, unbelievably these people claimed to have paid a last month's rent when they had not, I can only imagine their surprise when I wrote back diplomatically and enclosed a copy of their lease, showing what amounts they did pay. I also informed them that I am not willing to continue to rent to them on either a month to month basis nor to lease the home to them again.

I received back a curt reply, no apologies from them, but rent was paid and they have said they are moving out at month's end.

I think like many people, I truly dislike conflict but when I need to fight, I will. Sadly some people only seem to appreciate a show of strength.

julie
7/31/2019 07:37:16 am

This is a very challenging aspect of CFS for me! I have on occasion said no to taking on what l feel is too much for me and consequently have been on the receiving end of some very negative reactions.This hurts me more than l can say! Worse still it comes from close family members.Others feel this sometimes too l'm sure.Always learning is a part of life.

Reply
Martha
8/1/2019 01:37:45 pm

It seems more hurtful when family and friends don't get what we're going through. Even when we explain how we're struggling with CFS. Still, a tough skin is needed, even by well people, when we're committed to good self care. Keep to what you need to heal and let the rest go. Easy to say... Thanks Julie!

Reply
Martha
8/5/2019 09:02:20 am

Tim, great news! Unfortunately, many people go through life with the attitude that they can demand things of others and get it. And there are plenty of us who try to accommodate others not realizing that this is just a pattern that will never be sated. Happy that you pushed back diplomatically. Well done. Hoping for new, easy tenants!

Reply
Tim Boland
8/18/2019 08:06:21 pm

Thank you again Martha, I hope you and your family enjoyed a pleasant week's end.

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    Hello,  I'm
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    After struggling with CFS for four years I am fortunate now to be fully well and making choices about how I want to live my healthy life.  One choice is to be an active part of the CFS community and to offer one voice from the fully recoverd to the dialogue.  I'm glad you're here!   For more about me, here's my Bio.

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