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ME/CFS/SEID Self-Care – Knowing Our Limits

6/14/2016

4 Comments

 
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Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about self-care.  And it got me thinking about what we know about our limits and what we do for others knowing that we will exceed those limits.  Our wish to please the people we care about and to do for them somehow overrides all we’ve learned about self-care and especially everything we know about recovery from ME/CFS/SEID.

I was reminded of a book I first read in my twenties when I was babysitting - “The Giving Tree” by Shel Silverstein.  Maybe you’re familiar with it.  On first reading, I thought it was a lovely story about love and what a parent will give selflessly to a child.  At the time I saw it from the viewpoint of a child thinking about my mother and her love for me.  The next time I read the book, I was a parent myself and I was reading to my child.  My fond memory of the book was dashed as I turned each page and read how the main character, a tree, gave and gave and gave to ‘the boy’ until she was nothing but a lifeless stump.  And even then, she still gave by letting the now aged boy sit on her.

Healthy people often struggle with self-care choices.  As ME/CFS/SEID patients we make daily decisions about self-care – energy levels, rest needs, symptom management and recovery protocols.  And despite all we have learned, we somehow ‘decide’ to push ourselves too far for our loved ones.  Who are we fooling?  How do we keep within our limits?  How do we communicate honestly with our loved ones?  How do we show our love without suffering a set back?  Please COMMENT on this blog or Send in your thoughts and I’ll post them with your permission.  You can use the Contact Form or send an email to Martha at DefeatCFS dot net.  And Guest Blogs are most welcome!

Look for a weekly posting on Tuesdays.  And consider being part of the conversation.

Be Well Again,
Martha

4 Comments
Tim Boland
6/15/2016 11:30:23 pm

Your words remind me tonight, Martha, of something Ellen DeGeneres said one day, on a late night talk show. She said that having the approval of others was so important when she was younger, it sounded as if sometimes she did things which really were not in her own self interest. Such is the control that I think all of us allow with some people in our lives, even when it does not feel good or feel right to us.

I think many women naturally have this care taker instinct, especially with bringing a new life into the world and caring for children. But some men, as with myself, had people as I grew up who cared much less about who I was as a person, what I secretly or not even so secretly wanted for myself.

Years later, I worked with a wonderful woman who helped me understand what codependency is. I was angry at the time as I thought this struggle to overcoming codependency would be over in a few years, after I learned more about it. But to this day, I am still swayed by people who ask things of me, things that make me feel angry afterward, or a feeling of having been taken advantage of, as it is my nature to be a good listener, to be understanding and to want to give in some way.

It is difficult to set boundaries when we grow up in environments where self care was not stressed that is the inherent right of each of us as human beings, where the needs of others were falsely stated to us to be more important or more immediate than our own. It is hard to say 'I really don't want to do that' or if we have been doing something we haven't wanted to do, to say 'I don't want to do that anymore, it does not feel good for me'.

Advocating for oneself is a key for me in embracing what I need for my recovery, the space I need, the boundaries I am striving to set. As the Buddha said, no one is more deserving of love than our own selves.

Reply
Martha
6/16/2016 09:34:50 am

Wise words Tim and well said. We seem to struggle as individuals to justify our own needs and sometimes feel guilt when we put ourselves before others. But how can we find the capacity to be there for others when we are not functioning from strength? Thanks Tim!

Reply
OM
6/16/2016 02:44:08 pm

Thank you Martha. Interesting story about the giving tree!!!

Reply
Martha
6/16/2016 09:19:42 pm

Worth a read. Thanks OM!

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    Hello,  I'm
    Martha Kilcoyne

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    After struggling with CFS for four years I am fortunate now to be fully well and making choices about how I want to live my healthy life.  One choice is to be an active part of the CFS community and to offer one voice from the fully recoverd to the dialogue.  I'm glad you're here!   For more about me, here's my Bio.

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