...DEFEAT Chronic Fatigue Syndrome: ...............................................................You don't have to live with it
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SEID/CFS Guest Blog - Tim

10/6/2015

2 Comments

 
Picture© 2015 TSM
I really enjoyed your so funny intro this past week, Martha.  Your voice is one of few who has been there, who has experienced the symptoms and found a way through it.   

For myself, I know some of the elements which have helped me, but it is hard because my patience is not quite what it was, so those people in my environment who tend to aggravate me, well simply put, rather than mount an impassioned defense of myself, my views, my condition, I tend to avoid them as I would anything which seems and feels toxic.

This ties into something which I have wanted to share.   For some time I had counseling with a wonderful woman, who has passed away and I truly miss her counsel.   She is the one who taught me and my married partner at the time about codependency.   That tendency through our families and sometimes through our culture to care about others, in my case as with many, to the exclusion of taking care of myself, even when my intuition strongly advised me to avoid certain situations and certain people.   I have read too that women tend to have CFS at higher rates of frequency than men, in no small part I think from women's often traditional roles as care givers, nurturers, and often too those who tend to put the needs (and demands) of others ahead of their own well-being.   People who tend to overdo, to overstress, are more vulnerable to illness, and to immune related illnesses.   

For my part I have over the past few years found a few truly reliable people with whom I feel more comfortable, more able to share who I am and feel accepted fully.   Most of these have been online, some of them have become very good friends.   It is possible to ‘sift the wheat from the chaff’ but for those of us coming from dysfunctional and too demanding environments and people, it may take more self-reflection and learning 'I count too'.  Self-care is the best remedy for so many ills.   It is a process, and this is perhaps one of the hardest things, to go from ‘I should have known better’ to, I avoided this situation, I can feel good about that one.   When I do this, my mental and physical state are better, and I feel better.   Reducing stress and stressful situations to me is paramount to working toward recovery and better health.

​
Best of Health to All,
Tim


Look for a weekly posting on Tuesdays.  And consider being part of the conversation.
Be Well Again,
Martha
2 Comments
Martha
10/6/2015 09:49:55 am

Tim, Thanks for your blog on codependency. I think you've hit a home run on a topic that affects many of us. Just yesterday I was talking with a friend about self-care and how those of us who are nurturers seem to be lousy at self-care. We frequently put ourselves last and then we're not well enough to care for ourselves let alone anyone else. We need to understand that if we don't take care of ourselves, who will? And it's OK to make decisions about what and who we need to have around us in order to stay healthy - to shut out negativity. Thanks Tim for your thoughtful blog and solid contribution to the conversation!

Reply
Tim Boland
10/7/2015 01:54:03 pm

Thank you Martha for supporting me in sharing. I remember when I first learned about codependency and telling the counselor that I was willing to put in two or three years to get this part of my life in order. She said something along the lines that it may be something that I would deal with on some level for much of my life, and feeling pretty angry with her at that moment.

I have learned too that much of it is 'not my fault' as I grew up in a dysfunctional family, with a father away working much of the time, and a mother more interested in her health issues and her anger issues with my dad. Each of us truly needs a nurturer in our lives, and sometimes that person may be us, ourselves.

Not to confuse the issue, but this morning I was on my walk here in Idaho, saying hello to a friendly neighbor, when she started crying about an issue with her own son. Because I was in a good place to listen for a few minutes, and I tried to be as reassuring as I could, she hugged and thanked me, it reminded me too that we can be caring toward others, especially at those times when we are 'up to it', feeling in a place to do so. It is understanding those boundaries between being pushed to do something, and doing something when we really feel that is something we wish to do.

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    Hello,  I'm
    Martha Kilcoyne

    Welcome
     to our Community!

    After struggling with CFS for four years I am fortunate now to be fully well and making choices about how I want to live my healthy life.  One choice is to be an active part of the CFS community and to offer one voice from the fully recoverd to the dialogue.  I'm glad you're here!   For more about me, here's my Bio.

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